The New American Leadership System™

Chapter Twelve - Stress Management and Mastery

The Expression of Feelings — The Keys to Stress Relief

Ever wonder why women live longer than men? Research in the USA over and over again shows an average of about five years on the side of women.

Why? Based on 25-plus years of study, I see that most women are able and allowed to express feelings. Men are not ... except for anger. What have feelings got to do with managing stress and long life? Just about everything.

So here goes. Our basic feelings are Joy, Fear, Anger, Pain and Sorrow. They range in severity from zero to infinity. At the low level they are not a problem by being expressed. At the highest level they can create massive problems from verbal abuse to physical abuse, killing and suicide. Emotions differ from feelings. The word "emote" is how actors express their feelings. Emotions are the way and intensity of how we express feelings. I often ask men who seek to reduce their stress, "What feelings do tears express?" Men think it is sadness or say to a woman who is crying, "Don’t feel bad." One man did. My partner/wife explained, "She’s flippin’ angry at you. She doesn’t feel bad." He checked it out with this woman and she said, "Absolutely, angry." Tears express all of the feelings. Are men aware? Not usually, but women are. Feelings are expressed through the mouth and often accompany tears to achieve relief.

Feelings are Facts

When we suppress feelings and don’t express them in socially acceptable ways, we cause stress and over the years suppressed feelings attack the body. Imagine feelings to be like invisible metallic particles. If they don’t come out through tears, sounds and polite communications, they can cause and add to all forms of physical illness and disease. All feelings have distinctive and unique sounds.

Consider the boiler in a building. If the steam builds up high and there is no working relief valve, particles of steam at first build-up and attack the liner of the boiler. These same things happen to the human body. If the internal heat keeps building without relief, the boiler can explode. The boiler must have a relief valve. So too must humans or we blow up. Nightmares are one demonstration. Sounds from the mouth are our relief valve.

What is Stress? How Do We Master It?

Stress is the suppression of feelings from being expressed.

We express our feelings in real time or at a convenient time directly to the individual involved at a low level of emotion in a socially acceptable manner. Some verbal expressions include, "I’m scared to go on the roller coaster." "I’m angry that I forgot to do it." "I’m hurt by the name you called me." "I’m very sad about your loss." "I feel good about your success." I just covered in simple statements how it’s best done to express fear, anger, pain, sorrow and joy. When bad, strong feelings have built up over a long time they should be expressed or "dumped," but not at someone or toward them. When you’re on the high side, verbal violence and physical violence are wrong and dangerous. So getting in a car alone or going into the woods and screaming or expressing the sounds of other feelings along with tears, is a good idea.

For some of us it is simple and easy and normal to express feelings. Some of us had to learn to avoid being out of control or violent. Mastery of stressful events (such as job loss) and chronic conditions (such as deteriorating health) is the way to then go on to achieve longevity.

Examples and Stories

• Fear: I used to be terrified of roller-coasters so I never went on them and wondered why people who love them sounded like they screamed with a tinge of joy as they rode the things. So at age 49, I tried my theory twice. I got on and screamed all the way down. I felt great at the end. Then I understood. I did get some strange looks at the end of the ride.

• Anger at myself: Years ago, I flew from New York to Minnesota with a stop at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport where I was to get my connecting flight. However, I had a severe headache in the back of my head. Instantly, I figured out that I had left important papers at home that were needed for my business meeting. The headache was severe. I had 30 minutes and took a risk. Walking through the terminal toward my gate, I wheeled a bag with one hand and carried my other bag in my other hand, looked straight ahead and started making very loud sounds of anger: grrrrr, grrrrr, grrrrr. As people moved away from me I continued until the pain left. No one stopped me, and no one invited me to a party either. Maybe it will be safe for me to return to Chicago one day.

• Anger at people: I was reading a book by the side of a pool in Phoenix and a group of kids were forever playing Marco Polo very noisily. If you have not been irritated by this game you are lucky. So with parents surrounding, I finally got up and shouted, "Shut the %#$& up!" The kids stopped and stared at me. Parents were stunned and silent – then, one-by-one they rose and gave me a standing ovation. Go ahead try it sometime.

• Sorrow: Wailing and flailing-about upon news of a death of a loved one is an example expressed by people of other cultures that tends to minimize the long-term negative impact of the loss. Women in the USA are more able and likely to do this than men. I learned from women. Cry men, cry. It gets the sad feelings out.

• Pain: My own feelings of being hurt by some people have in the past been very hard to express ... a lot easier now. As with many men I know, feeling hurt is not acceptable and hence not acknowledged and then not dealt with. However, when I became aware that I went from hurt to anger very quickly, I began the gratifying journey to improve. I expressed the hurt and painful feelings ASAP.

• Joy: Sex is more pleasurable and lasts longer when happy and ecstatic sounds are prolonged while expressed. When we live in tight quarters, often couples suppress these feelings because of the kids hearing. Sometimes kids are blamed for our loss of joy. People in later years, when the kids have left home, have tried this technique in socially acceptable places and ways and then told me with glee, "It works." I really do feel good about that.

• Joy about a car: My wife Carôn — a dedicated environmentalist — loves our new hybrid car, the Prius. She is so excited and happy and says, "It’s just like a sports car", even though she knows sports cars, having raced Porsche’s in her youth. Fifty-one mpg and beauty and ease of driving the Prius bring great joy. Then there’s also out-loud laughter expressed frequently. Laughter is the best way to express joy. Singing is great also whether you "can sing well" or not.

History of Chinese Medicine

Any cursory study of Chinese medicine of 5,000 years ago shows that they thought that there was a direct connection between suppressed feelings and illness found in specific parts of the body. For example: fear attacks the heart; anger the head; sorrow the stomach and colon area. I do not recall the other specifics. I do not propose "alternative medicine" for one’s chosen medical care. However, I do remind my medical friends of these facts about feelings. Psychiatrists and medical people have come to accept stress as contributory to many ills. Patch Adams an MD, has shown how laughter has helped so many sick people.

My own intensive work in hospitals has shown that when bedridden patients are treated nicely by nurses and doctors, they get out of hospitals faster ... which is good for patients as well as for lower health care costs. I also have trained physicians to know that when they hurt, or anger, or scare nurses, these nurses come to patients exuding a bad feeling that slows recovery and defeats the doctor’s purpose. Further, when I’ve asked nurses if this is true, they say, "Of course. If I’m in a bad mood, the patient won’t ask me for what they need. They feel scared and trapped."

In Conclusion

In my model, relationships are life insurance, and exercise and nutrition are vital. Pets are wonderful, especially for singles at all ages. The "cootsy-coo" sounds aimed at pets help people feel good. Notice how we sound so different around pets. So a positive mental attitude (PMA), laughter, spirituality — along with environmental solutions like air quality, time management, rest and relaxation — are helpful stress reducers and do aid longevity.

Together, with the proper expression of feelings, these other actions can increase our quality of life and help reduce health care costs. Men can learn the art from women and women who can’t do it can also learn from other women. Laughter clinics are good ideas. Hospital activity directors can help here.

It’s never too late to manage feelings, reduce stress, and live better and longer.