The New American Leadership System™

Chapter Three - The Skills for Excellent Interpersonal Communications

The Nine Skills for Life

Why do people need solid interpersonal communications skills? Not everyone needs them. But for those who do, these skills are crucial for success.

These crucial skills are needed to:

The skills are not provided in an ordered way. They are all needed.

Interpersonal Communication Skills

1.  Make statements starting with "I" Not "phony" questions that start with "Don’t you think ...?"

  • I need • I enjoy • I understand • I like • I hear
  • I want • I prefer • I feel • I will • I am closed

2.  Check-It-Out ... Do Not assume. Ask questions to:

3.  Listen to Understand. Avoid put-downs and labels of people ... it limits listening.

4.  Disturbances Come First. They help you to listen-to-understand by expressing them. Clarify where your thinking is that prevents listening and then Check-It-Out to resume listening.

5.  Speak Directly to the individual involved, in real time and not to others about the individual involved.

6.  Get and Give What You Want:

7.  Open and Close with Clarity and Agreement

8.  Acknowledge the Other Person by restating his/her statement in your own terms

9.  Practice these Skills with Others

Intent vs Impact

Intent vs. Impact™ DiagramEach of us has had experience where what we intend to communicate to others is not received in the way we intended it. We get very disappointed and angry either with the other people involved or with ourselves. An uplifting concept is Intent vs. Impact.

Military leaders have told us that they have been trained that when people do not understand an order or direction, the right thing to do is to say it again and again. Parents and managers often do the same thing to no avail. Something is missing. We have found that individuals have learned how to overcome these types of misunderstandings and confusion with the notion of the difference between My Intent vs. My Impact on another person. The other person has needs, wants, drives and bias and may not be able to clearly accept or understand what your intent is. What is needed to clarify the difference between Intent vs. Impact? The answer to this is simply feedback. And how does one receive feedback? The answer to this is either solicit it through the use of our Check It Out skill in our Interpersonal Communication skills set, or listen to it of the other individual is trained and enjoys the practice of providing real time feedback without being asked.

Simply stated this is all that is necessary for clarity and understanding between Intent vs. Impact. However, there is resistance to practicing the nine skills for life in Interpersonal Communications. People resist skill and hold to cherished beliefs such as I was absolutely clear about this. These rationalizations and erroneous assumptions can all be checked out properly and systematically. Properly done, there is a high level of The Process of Excellence™, Relationship Excellence™ (LOVE) and Conflict Resolution when people involved in work understand this basic concept.

The bottom line is, we all need feedback. And all need to be sources of trust and confidence in order to get that voluntary feedback and input. And when people practice according to Intent vs. Impact, great clouds are lifted, and successes and victory attained.

We have had many military officers and senior-level people as well as people in unions explain to us how beneficial the use of this concept has been in their lives and work. It can also be helpful to you.